About Me
- Name: Nathan
- Location: United States
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This is functioning as a bi-annual, semi-regular, entirely made-up humor column, written and directed by Christopher Saint (which is not, in fact, my real name. If you don't like the fact that I use an alias, you may bite me.)
Thursday, June 10, 2004
I noticed something rather hilarious in the Miami Herald recently. It was just a headline (not THE headline, but a minor lord, as it were) that stated: "Western airliners may be Al Qaeda targets."
Wow. What would we do without the Herald? I mean, my God! Here I was, thinking that of all things, airplanes would be safe from attack, but no! Those filthy Al Qaeda sons-of-apes are targeting even our most sacred means of travel!
Er...well...okay, so walking is really the most sacred way to travel...and, come to think of it, riding a horse is next, followed by a bike, then a car, and then, possibly, a plane. So the Al Qaeda punks are targeting our, um, fifth most sacred means of travel.
In the face of this new threat, I'm sure that the government will take swift and decisive action in the form of thoroughly searching my personal luggage the next time I fly somewhere.
I am, of course, a very imposing and dangerous looking person. 5'7" tall, 140 lbs, white as an albino rabbit, face that looks to be about 18 at the most, bespectacled (woohoo! There's my big word for the week!) and dressed in wrinkly jeans and a t-shirt, I am the spitting image of Danger.
(I know this because Danger and I have picnics together in the park on alternate weekends. You'll also be interested to know that Danger is fond of Chai Tea and has a certain hatred for Pigeons, which are possibly the least dangerous birds in existance.)
In fact, the only person more threatening than I would be the elderly lady right behind me, watch her closely boys! She might try to smuggle some dentures onto the plane!
And now for something completely different. I feel that more American citizens should claim their rights. Well, actually, their right. After all, someone named Miranda fought hard with the state of Arizona to give us this right: The right to remain silent.
Like I said above, more people need to begin claiming this right. I'm thinking specifically of people who argue loudly with each other in public places. Of people who shout rude things at pedestrians, and of people who have very personal phone conversations in the middle of, say, a restaraunt.
Also, I think that the right to free speech should be changed to be the right to "semi-inexpensive speech". This way, anyone who wants to make a speech, must first make it to a cabinet of several honest and objective people, who will then decided whether the speech is worth hearing or not. The more worthless the speech, the more the speaker is charged to make it and the more the listeners are charged to attend it.
That way, all the truly great speeches will be free, and no one will have the money to listen to the dreck.
The only problem with this plan is that even if there are enough honest and objective people in the world to listen to all the speeches, they would most certainly never be nominated to the cabinet. Oh well, no matter, I myself am a beneficiary of free speech, so:
Free speech for everyone! No matter how stupid or inane the topic, or how daft the speaker! Otherwise I might have to pay to put out this column, and that would be an expense I could ill-afford.
Wow. What would we do without the Herald? I mean, my God! Here I was, thinking that of all things, airplanes would be safe from attack, but no! Those filthy Al Qaeda sons-of-apes are targeting even our most sacred means of travel!
Er...well...okay, so walking is really the most sacred way to travel...and, come to think of it, riding a horse is next, followed by a bike, then a car, and then, possibly, a plane. So the Al Qaeda punks are targeting our, um, fifth most sacred means of travel.
In the face of this new threat, I'm sure that the government will take swift and decisive action in the form of thoroughly searching my personal luggage the next time I fly somewhere.
I am, of course, a very imposing and dangerous looking person. 5'7" tall, 140 lbs, white as an albino rabbit, face that looks to be about 18 at the most, bespectacled (woohoo! There's my big word for the week!) and dressed in wrinkly jeans and a t-shirt, I am the spitting image of Danger.
(I know this because Danger and I have picnics together in the park on alternate weekends. You'll also be interested to know that Danger is fond of Chai Tea and has a certain hatred for Pigeons, which are possibly the least dangerous birds in existance.)
In fact, the only person more threatening than I would be the elderly lady right behind me, watch her closely boys! She might try to smuggle some dentures onto the plane!
And now for something completely different. I feel that more American citizens should claim their rights. Well, actually, their right. After all, someone named Miranda fought hard with the state of Arizona to give us this right: The right to remain silent.
Like I said above, more people need to begin claiming this right. I'm thinking specifically of people who argue loudly with each other in public places. Of people who shout rude things at pedestrians, and of people who have very personal phone conversations in the middle of, say, a restaraunt.
Also, I think that the right to free speech should be changed to be the right to "semi-inexpensive speech". This way, anyone who wants to make a speech, must first make it to a cabinet of several honest and objective people, who will then decided whether the speech is worth hearing or not. The more worthless the speech, the more the speaker is charged to make it and the more the listeners are charged to attend it.
That way, all the truly great speeches will be free, and no one will have the money to listen to the dreck.
The only problem with this plan is that even if there are enough honest and objective people in the world to listen to all the speeches, they would most certainly never be nominated to the cabinet. Oh well, no matter, I myself am a beneficiary of free speech, so:
Free speech for everyone! No matter how stupid or inane the topic, or how daft the speaker! Otherwise I might have to pay to put out this column, and that would be an expense I could ill-afford.
