About Me
- Name: Nathan
- Location: United States
To leave comments on this podcast, please visit here and leave your comments.
Links
- My Personal Website
- Dave Barry's Column
- Mil's Apology Homepage
- Email me, everyone's doing it.
Archives
This is functioning as a bi-annual, semi-regular, entirely made-up humor column, written and directed by Christopher Saint (which is not, in fact, my real name. If you don't like the fact that I use an alias, you may bite me.)
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Just today, as I was sitting in this chair thinking, I was suddenly struck by a profound lack of ideas.
Has that ever happened to you?
There you are, minding your own business, when out of nowhere springs...nothing. Usually, of course, this happens when you are trying to think of something specific. Like the punchline to a joke, or the solution to an important problem, or your girlfriend's name.
(And just so you all know, I've never forgotten my girlfriend's name, but I foresee it as a possibility. If my girlfriend were named, for instance, Helga or Vonda I might be inclined to forget it in the name of sanity. Fortunately, there are always pet names, which come in very handy in such a situation.)
On an important side note, you just can't say the name "Helga" in a way that sounds pretty or feminine. No matter how you say that name, it comes out sounding like a person who works in construction and kills things in their spare time. Just for the record though, I don't have anything against people named Helga, it's just their parents I think are a bit strange.
Er, where were we? Ah yes, you were being struck repeatedly in the brain with absolutely nothing. When this happens it's very unpleasent and weird, of course; you have to find your way out of the nothingness and back into the world of coherent thought.
You furthermore have to be very careful when you're fighting that battle. Never say anything while your mind is so preoccupied. I'm convinced that that's why people often say stupid and hurtful things.
They never really intend to be mean, or offensive, they just talk while their brain is doing nothing. And of course when your brain isn't controlling your mouth, your mouth just blabs out whatever word happen to wander by.
This is often referred to as committing a "faux pas" (pronounced: folks posse) which is a strange japanese meditation technique that involves, if I remember correctly, the drinking of a glass of Kool-Aid upside down.
I believe that some examples are necessary.
It is not, perhaps, advisable to leap up from one's seat in a five-star restaraunt (featuring complementary vallet parking: see glossary for the meaning of vallet) and shout: "Oh my GOD! There's MOLD on my FOOD! Oh, wait, no, never mind. That's just some parsley, forget I said that."
Or when speaking to a policeman who has just pulled you over to inform you that one of your tail-lights is out: "Hey man, your badge is crooked. And wow! Your shoes are really dingy! Do you EVER polish those things?"
And when speaking to the judge presiding over your drug-conviction case (a result of the above conversation with the policeman), you're probably better off not saying: "I didn't DO anything! It's just all these stupid and corrupt government employees! They framed me!"
It would probably be just your luck if when you said that last sentence, the entire room would be full of stressed out postal workers. Tsk tsk.
And so we come to the part of the column that we in the semi-amatuer, entirely-unpaid, sometimes-grammatically-correct writing world like to call "The End." Except for the glossary, of course.
GLOSSARY
(This is NOT in alphabetical order. The reason being that we want to confuse you as much as possible.)
Vallet: A kind of small rodent who's pelts were once highly valued in the making of fur coats. However, they have more recently become an endangered species, and it is therefore illegal to hunt them in the United States.
It (brief note: I thought that it would be good to just go ahead and define the word "It" for any wishy-washy politician types who happen to be reading): It is a context sensitive word. That is, the definition of "it" depends on what "it" is referring to.
Example sentence: "So I'm taking this basket weaving class in college, and it's a lot of fun!"
In the above sentence, the word "It" is obviously referring to the results of an international poll taken by Bob's Polls and Other Assorted Metal Objects that shows that more than 75% of the world doesn't know what the heck we are talking about.
Has that ever happened to you?
There you are, minding your own business, when out of nowhere springs...nothing. Usually, of course, this happens when you are trying to think of something specific. Like the punchline to a joke, or the solution to an important problem, or your girlfriend's name.
(And just so you all know, I've never forgotten my girlfriend's name, but I foresee it as a possibility. If my girlfriend were named, for instance, Helga or Vonda I might be inclined to forget it in the name of sanity. Fortunately, there are always pet names, which come in very handy in such a situation.)
On an important side note, you just can't say the name "Helga" in a way that sounds pretty or feminine. No matter how you say that name, it comes out sounding like a person who works in construction and kills things in their spare time. Just for the record though, I don't have anything against people named Helga, it's just their parents I think are a bit strange.
Er, where were we? Ah yes, you were being struck repeatedly in the brain with absolutely nothing. When this happens it's very unpleasent and weird, of course; you have to find your way out of the nothingness and back into the world of coherent thought.
You furthermore have to be very careful when you're fighting that battle. Never say anything while your mind is so preoccupied. I'm convinced that that's why people often say stupid and hurtful things.
They never really intend to be mean, or offensive, they just talk while their brain is doing nothing. And of course when your brain isn't controlling your mouth, your mouth just blabs out whatever word happen to wander by.
This is often referred to as committing a "faux pas" (pronounced: folks posse) which is a strange japanese meditation technique that involves, if I remember correctly, the drinking of a glass of Kool-Aid upside down.
I believe that some examples are necessary.
It is not, perhaps, advisable to leap up from one's seat in a five-star restaraunt (featuring complementary vallet parking: see glossary for the meaning of vallet) and shout: "Oh my GOD! There's MOLD on my FOOD! Oh, wait, no, never mind. That's just some parsley, forget I said that."
Or when speaking to a policeman who has just pulled you over to inform you that one of your tail-lights is out: "Hey man, your badge is crooked. And wow! Your shoes are really dingy! Do you EVER polish those things?"
And when speaking to the judge presiding over your drug-conviction case (a result of the above conversation with the policeman), you're probably better off not saying: "I didn't DO anything! It's just all these stupid and corrupt government employees! They framed me!"
It would probably be just your luck if when you said that last sentence, the entire room would be full of stressed out postal workers. Tsk tsk.
And so we come to the part of the column that we in the semi-amatuer, entirely-unpaid, sometimes-grammatically-correct writing world like to call "The End." Except for the glossary, of course.
GLOSSARY
(This is NOT in alphabetical order. The reason being that we want to confuse you as much as possible.)
Vallet: A kind of small rodent who's pelts were once highly valued in the making of fur coats. However, they have more recently become an endangered species, and it is therefore illegal to hunt them in the United States.
It (brief note: I thought that it would be good to just go ahead and define the word "It" for any wishy-washy politician types who happen to be reading): It is a context sensitive word. That is, the definition of "it" depends on what "it" is referring to.
Example sentence: "So I'm taking this basket weaving class in college, and it's a lot of fun!"
In the above sentence, the word "It" is obviously referring to the results of an international poll taken by Bob's Polls and Other Assorted Metal Objects that shows that more than 75% of the world doesn't know what the heck we are talking about.
