Christopher Saint's Humor Column

The Adventures of M4nLy m4N, or,
A tale of epic fantasy that is not teh sux0rs.

Once upon a time, there was a d00d. Teh d00d was a simple farmer, but he was a l33t f4m3r, and he pwnd the w33ds and r0x0rd teh wheat.

TiLl one d4y, wh3n teh d00d w4s tIlliNg teh l4nd, 4nd h1s l33t pl0w struck something beneath the soil.

Teh d00d struggled w1th teh pl0w f0r a wh1l3, but soon gave up, s4yiNg "Meh, w/e."

Teh nxt d4y, however, teh d00d 0nce again struck the thing beneath the soil. "Meh!" He exclaimed in his wr4th, "Th1s sux0rs!"

But such was the l33tn3ss of the d00ds f4arm1ng that he wrested the feindish thing from the soil with his bare hands. And it w4s a sw0rd. A l33t sw0rd.

"w00t!" cried teh d00d, "th1s l33t sw0rd r0x0rs my b0x0rs!"

Teh sw0rd called t00 teh d00d, and soon he was off into the w0rld, searching for high 4dv3ture.

s00n teh d00d came upon some b4nd1ts, robbing a young woman. "Meh!" said teh d00d, dr4wing his l33t sw0rd. But teh b4nd1ts were t00 l33t for teh d00d, because he had no training.They t0t4lly pwnd h1s @$$. But they left the woman alone and ran off. "meh, thx" she said greatfully to teh d00d, and then she left teh d00d, still laying there bl33ding.

But teh d00d w4s so l33t that he g0t right back up and chased down the bandits, and then he began following them around saying things like, "j00 sux0r!"

Teh bandits s00n h4d enough, and they turned on teh d00d and t0t4lly pwnd his @$$ again!!!!

"wtf!!!!!!112" shouted teh d00d in horrified anger. "H4x0rs!!" he shouted at the b4nd1ts as they laughed at him and walked away.

Naturally, there was an 0ld s4g3 watching the whole exchange, and after the b4nd1ts left, he approached the d00d.

"d00d, j00 sux0r. ur kung fu is not l33t."

"stfu!!!!!@!112" teh d00d shouted angrily at teh 0ld s4g3. "b4nd1ts 4re h4x0rs!!"

"meh." Said teh s4g3. "ur kung fu is not l33t, 4nd j00 no it."

Then teh d00d sighed and said, "eh. j00 4re r1gh7."

Then teh s4g3 trained teh d00d for 3 years, most of which was spent watching MTV. But when teh tr4n1ng was over, teh d00d had l33t sk1llz.

"d00d, ur ready to f4ce teh b4nd1ts now, and even perhaps dr4g0ns." said teh s4g3. "ur sk1llz 4re l33t, 4nd ur sw0rd is l33t. i dub u M4nLy m4N. Even though you are only 12, I feel that you will accomplish great things."

Then teh l33t d00d took up his l33t sw0rd and strode out to meet the world.

In his travels, teh d00d heard tell of a l33t dr4g0n that roamed the countryside, devouring innocent maidens and burning farms and whatever. "Meh!" said teh d00d when he heard of the horrors the dr4g0n committed.

"ph34r the wr4th of teh dr4g0n." said all the citizens of the land.

Soon teh d00d was on his way to face the l33t dr4g0n. Along teh way, teh d00d met a monk, a bard, and a jester. But we won't be mentioning them much, because the only person that matters is teh d00d.

So teh d00d found teh dr4g0n, and he challenged it saying, "d00d, j00 r not l33t l1ke me. j00 r teh sux0rs."

The dr4g0n became enraged at his insolence, and turned upon teh d00d. teh d00d was frightened, and ran before the firey breath of teh dr4g0n. The monk, the bard, and the jester all fought with great courage and amazing ferocity, but the dr4g0n was too l33t for them, and t0t4lly pwnd their @$$es. But teh dr4g0n was badly wounded, and seeing this, teh d00d turned back, and over the smoldering bodies of his slain companions, hit the dr4g0n once feebly with his l33t sw0rd. Teh dr4g0n fell to the ground, ded.

The citizens of the land ran forth then, and ignoring the bodies of the monk, bard and jester, gathered around teh d00d.

"d1d u s33 th4t!!!!???!!?!?!?!?!" said teh d00d. "i t0t4lly ownd teh dr4g0n!@!!!@#!@@!!!11"

"d00d, ur sw0rd is s0 l33t!" They said. "j00 s4v3d us!"

"j00 h4v3 l33t sk1llz!"

"j00 r teh r0x0rs!"

Then the d00d, in an amazing show of humility and benevolence said, "meh."

Then he turned and walked into the distant sunset. Now there is a constellation named after him. A great l33t d00d, watching MTV in the sky.


Glossary of l33t sp33k:

"l33t": leet. A term for the use of numbers and symbols in place of letters. Internet slang, and a word that means "cool" or "awesome".

"d00d": Dude.

"j00": You.

"r0x0rs": Rocks. As in "Wow, that music rocks!"

"sux0rs": Sucks. As in "Wow, that music sucks!"

"ownd": A typo of "pwnd".

"pwnd": A way of saying that you have defeated someone or done well at something. "d00d, I pwnd that guy."

"h4x0rs": Hackers. A term of insult, insinuating that a person has no actual ability, and had to "hack the system" to win.

"ph34r": Fear.

"teh": A typo of "the" which somehow became "cool" and "l33t".

"meh": I still don't know what this really means. I think it means both everything and nothing. It seems to mostly be used in a non-commital way.

"w/e": Whatever. Used to express non-committment and/or disgust.