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- Name: Nathan
- Location: United States
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This is functioning as a bi-annual, semi-regular, entirely made-up humor column, written and directed by Christopher Saint (which is not, in fact, my real name. If you don't like the fact that I use an alias, you may bite me.)
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
America is the land of opportunity. So I've heard it was said, long ago, when the pilgrims were just setting foot in the New World.
The Indians I'm sure tried to explain nicely that the Pilgrims were illegal immigrants, with no I.D. and no money. But the Pilgrims just kept coming into the country and stealing the Indians' jobs, and insisting on speaking English instead of the native tongue.
Finally there was nothing left to do but scalp a few people and hope they got the message.
So for a while, the opportunity aspect of the New World was somewhat limited to "an opportunity to plant corn in a way that also involves dead fish" and "an opportunity to die hideously from scalping, or possibly disease."
After a while though, the Pilgrims got used to the diseases, developed head calouses, and looked forward into a new, brighter future. Soon they were presented with all new opportunities, such as "the opportunity to get trampled by herds of buffalo" and "the opportunity to get thoroughly lost in a vast wilderness and be eaten by rabid beavers."
In case you hadn't realized it by now, I will state the obvious: this post has nothing to do with Pilgrims. I was merely using them to lead up to an in-depth discussion of the contents of my e-mail inbox.
Indeed, America is a land of many golden opportunities. The first amazing opportunity offered me today was: "Why look and feel your age? Feel alive!"
I'm sure that you cannot even fathom my glee as I read that sentence. A wave of hope rushed through my veins and clouded my senses with the heady scent of life. It was all I could do to just sit there, looking at my computer screen, and breathe a sigh of relief. At last the long days of pain and lethargy are over, at last I will once again romp in the fields, free as a bird (with the exception of not being able sing very well, or fly at all, or poop indiscriminately on public property), reliving the glory days of my childhood.
I'll let you know how it goes.
The next opportunity I was given was nearly as exciting as the last one. "You can be a cop!"
Wow! I could be a cop! All I would have to do is click on this email link and I will be on my way to being a cop in four easy lessons! It's beautiful, all you have to do is give them your credit card number, and they send you a Cop Kit (TM), it comes with a badge, a 9mm Glock, a pair of handcuffs, a drug-sniffing doberman named Foofie, and 20-dollars-worth of coupons for Dunken Donuts.
I would send away for the Kit, but I think all I'd end up using would be the coupons.
The next glowing opportunity presented me was "Enter to win a $50,000 home makeover." However, I live in an apartment, and I don't think they'd actually let me change colors or siding or anything. So instead I've decided to invest in $50,000 dollars worth of lawn gnomes.
Indeed my friends, America is a land of wonderous opportunity. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go frolic in a field while eating donuts with Foofie and 893 lawn gnomes.
A brief word about Independance Day:
As many of you no doubt already know, the day-before-yesterday was the 4th of July. It was on that day, 1547 years ago, that nothing happened. However, a few years later, in 1776, something happened. Up to that point, most of the bills congress had signed were complete crap. Then one day, Ben Franklin broke his arm in a freak kite-flying accident and spent several boring days in the hospital. Of course, there was never anything good on TV, and all the magazines sucked, so he had to resort to doodling on his cast.
On July 4th, 1776, Congress paid Franklin a visit in his hospital room. They brought flowers, chocolates, and some semi-decent magazines, and of course they all signed his cast. Thus our country was born.
SERIOUSLY THOUGH:
Allow me to introduce our new section, "SERIOUSLY THOUGH" which is headed by capital letters so that you can clearly see where to stop reading. In this section of the article, I will say something short, hopefully sweet, but always SERIOUS.
I love freedom, and I love being in a country that has it. I would not give up freedom for the world, and I salute the men and women who fought and continue to fight bravely to keep it alive. Although I think that advertising companies should have their freedom of speech revoked on account of the fact that they all give me headaches.
The Indians I'm sure tried to explain nicely that the Pilgrims were illegal immigrants, with no I.D. and no money. But the Pilgrims just kept coming into the country and stealing the Indians' jobs, and insisting on speaking English instead of the native tongue.
Finally there was nothing left to do but scalp a few people and hope they got the message.
So for a while, the opportunity aspect of the New World was somewhat limited to "an opportunity to plant corn in a way that also involves dead fish" and "an opportunity to die hideously from scalping, or possibly disease."
After a while though, the Pilgrims got used to the diseases, developed head calouses, and looked forward into a new, brighter future. Soon they were presented with all new opportunities, such as "the opportunity to get trampled by herds of buffalo" and "the opportunity to get thoroughly lost in a vast wilderness and be eaten by rabid beavers."
In case you hadn't realized it by now, I will state the obvious: this post has nothing to do with Pilgrims. I was merely using them to lead up to an in-depth discussion of the contents of my e-mail inbox.
Indeed, America is a land of many golden opportunities. The first amazing opportunity offered me today was: "Why look and feel your age? Feel alive!"
I'm sure that you cannot even fathom my glee as I read that sentence. A wave of hope rushed through my veins and clouded my senses with the heady scent of life. It was all I could do to just sit there, looking at my computer screen, and breathe a sigh of relief. At last the long days of pain and lethargy are over, at last I will once again romp in the fields, free as a bird (with the exception of not being able sing very well, or fly at all, or poop indiscriminately on public property), reliving the glory days of my childhood.
I'll let you know how it goes.
The next opportunity I was given was nearly as exciting as the last one. "You can be a cop!"
Wow! I could be a cop! All I would have to do is click on this email link and I will be on my way to being a cop in four easy lessons! It's beautiful, all you have to do is give them your credit card number, and they send you a Cop Kit (TM), it comes with a badge, a 9mm Glock, a pair of handcuffs, a drug-sniffing doberman named Foofie, and 20-dollars-worth of coupons for Dunken Donuts.
I would send away for the Kit, but I think all I'd end up using would be the coupons.
The next glowing opportunity presented me was "Enter to win a $50,000 home makeover." However, I live in an apartment, and I don't think they'd actually let me change colors or siding or anything. So instead I've decided to invest in $50,000 dollars worth of lawn gnomes.
Indeed my friends, America is a land of wonderous opportunity. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go frolic in a field while eating donuts with Foofie and 893 lawn gnomes.
A brief word about Independance Day:
As many of you no doubt already know, the day-before-yesterday was the 4th of July. It was on that day, 1547 years ago, that nothing happened. However, a few years later, in 1776, something happened. Up to that point, most of the bills congress had signed were complete crap. Then one day, Ben Franklin broke his arm in a freak kite-flying accident and spent several boring days in the hospital. Of course, there was never anything good on TV, and all the magazines sucked, so he had to resort to doodling on his cast.
On July 4th, 1776, Congress paid Franklin a visit in his hospital room. They brought flowers, chocolates, and some semi-decent magazines, and of course they all signed his cast. Thus our country was born.
SERIOUSLY THOUGH:
Allow me to introduce our new section, "SERIOUSLY THOUGH" which is headed by capital letters so that you can clearly see where to stop reading. In this section of the article, I will say something short, hopefully sweet, but always SERIOUS.
I love freedom, and I love being in a country that has it. I would not give up freedom for the world, and I salute the men and women who fought and continue to fight bravely to keep it alive. Although I think that advertising companies should have their freedom of speech revoked on account of the fact that they all give me headaches.
