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- Name: Nathan
- Location: United States
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This is functioning as a bi-annual, semi-regular, entirely made-up humor column, written and directed by Christopher Saint (which is not, in fact, my real name. If you don't like the fact that I use an alias, you may bite me.)
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Well I've decided to start a club. But this is not your average, play bridge/golf, drink tea/beer, talk about politics/affairs kind of club. No indeed, this is a club for rebels, for people who are edgy, extreme, social misfits, and just generally people who never fit in anywhere.
A society of anti-socials, a community of non-conformists, a group of everyone who is most definately not a groupie.
If you don't fit in anywhere else, you will fit in here, because this is a club formed by the people for the people, except that we hate people, cause people suck. Except for you, you don't suck...unless you claim to be a vampire, then you probably do a lot of sucking.
Actually, we don't mind if you want to claim to be a vampire, but you'll have to register yourself. If you're a non-registered sucker, we will throw you out on your butt. It's sort of like a "concealed dental-issues permit".
As a club, we must have a motto, a call-sign, something that the other clubs will know and fear. The motto of our club is, "Love through Hate, Society through Rebellion."
I don't know about you, but I am a non-conformist. I never do what anyone tells me, I hate following signs. I don't like stopping at traffic lights, and I only do it because the oppressive government system forces me too, practically at gunpoint. I have made peace with my dark side, and no one around me can handle it. So I never fit in. I'm always just lurking in the dark corners of parties, and wishing I could set the place on fire.
So, I've decided to start this club. I'm sick of being forced to conform to society's dubious standards. So I'm creating a place where we can join together in our general disgust with life and create a world of loving haters.
In fact, we are gonna be so cool, that anyone who isn't in our club will feel completely left out. They'll want to be non-conformists too, just like us!
We don't have a dress code, but we do prefer that you wear black. The choice of eyeliner is yours, but we are very pro-eyeliner. Also, if you listen to rap or country, you're out. Sorry, but all cowboys are conformists. Spiked hair is okay, but only if it can be defined as "wicked" (see club handbook for definition of "wicked hair".)
Long hair is great, but buzz-cuts or no hair are out unless you have tattoos. Otherwise you just aren't extreme or non-conformist enough, sorry.
Our club's preferred music is Emo of course, because no one knows how to be themselves or let their emotions flow through their music better than today's wave of pop-punk bands.
Rap is out, except for Eminem, who is a non-conformist. I heard him say so on MTV.
Christianity is frowned upon, because Christians have been conforming since they day they were born. However, if you are a Wiccan, and worship the Earth Mother, or Luna, or just Nature, you're okay. Those religions are so extreme, edgy, and non-conformist that we can't help but love them.
You're automatically part of the club if you say awesome things like 1337, w00t, and sux. The English language is an archaic and out-moded piece of crap, and I personally think it should have been eliminated endless epochs ago.
A bit about offensiveness: if you want to be un-PC (Politically Correct), just get out now. We will not tolerate racial slurs, slurs against someone's sexuality, slurs against religions, or anything except Christian bashing. The reason for this is that if we cannot trust our brothers and sisters in the club to respect our views and uphold our self-esteem, then who can we trust?
Don't insult anyone. Everyone in the club is free to hold their own beliefs and views as long as they aren't trying to push them off onto everyone else. We generally hold a "don't ask, don't tell" policy here. If you must talk about your religion or set of beliefs, please do it in the religion-specific chat rooms we have set aside.
Also, one last thing, we are now accepting submissions of dark, angsty poetry to put on the front page of our website. Please try to keep them short, as we don't want to lose the attention of our audience, who have mostly been raised on reality shows and microwavable food. Brief example:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've lost my head
And so can you
Well that's about it, I really look forward to meeting with all of you other non-conformists and individualists! It's going to be an exciting time for those who can make the grade, let me tell you! w00t!
Join us! Be yourself, everyone's doing it!
In the name of the Earth Mother,
C.
(Definition of Wicked Hair, for those of you who haven't recieved your manual yet: Wicked Hair is Hair that is gelled and spiked hard enough to kill a mule at thirty paces. Or, alternately, wicked hair is hair that is messy enough to give nearby dogs a desperate survival-urge to take a bath.)
A society of anti-socials, a community of non-conformists, a group of everyone who is most definately not a groupie.
If you don't fit in anywhere else, you will fit in here, because this is a club formed by the people for the people, except that we hate people, cause people suck. Except for you, you don't suck...unless you claim to be a vampire, then you probably do a lot of sucking.
Actually, we don't mind if you want to claim to be a vampire, but you'll have to register yourself. If you're a non-registered sucker, we will throw you out on your butt. It's sort of like a "concealed dental-issues permit".
As a club, we must have a motto, a call-sign, something that the other clubs will know and fear. The motto of our club is, "Love through Hate, Society through Rebellion."
I don't know about you, but I am a non-conformist. I never do what anyone tells me, I hate following signs. I don't like stopping at traffic lights, and I only do it because the oppressive government system forces me too, practically at gunpoint. I have made peace with my dark side, and no one around me can handle it. So I never fit in. I'm always just lurking in the dark corners of parties, and wishing I could set the place on fire.
So, I've decided to start this club. I'm sick of being forced to conform to society's dubious standards. So I'm creating a place where we can join together in our general disgust with life and create a world of loving haters.
In fact, we are gonna be so cool, that anyone who isn't in our club will feel completely left out. They'll want to be non-conformists too, just like us!
We don't have a dress code, but we do prefer that you wear black. The choice of eyeliner is yours, but we are very pro-eyeliner. Also, if you listen to rap or country, you're out. Sorry, but all cowboys are conformists. Spiked hair is okay, but only if it can be defined as "wicked" (see club handbook for definition of "wicked hair".)
Long hair is great, but buzz-cuts or no hair are out unless you have tattoos. Otherwise you just aren't extreme or non-conformist enough, sorry.
Our club's preferred music is Emo of course, because no one knows how to be themselves or let their emotions flow through their music better than today's wave of pop-punk bands.
Rap is out, except for Eminem, who is a non-conformist. I heard him say so on MTV.
Christianity is frowned upon, because Christians have been conforming since they day they were born. However, if you are a Wiccan, and worship the Earth Mother, or Luna, or just Nature, you're okay. Those religions are so extreme, edgy, and non-conformist that we can't help but love them.
You're automatically part of the club if you say awesome things like 1337, w00t, and sux. The English language is an archaic and out-moded piece of crap, and I personally think it should have been eliminated endless epochs ago.
A bit about offensiveness: if you want to be un-PC (Politically Correct), just get out now. We will not tolerate racial slurs, slurs against someone's sexuality, slurs against religions, or anything except Christian bashing. The reason for this is that if we cannot trust our brothers and sisters in the club to respect our views and uphold our self-esteem, then who can we trust?
Don't insult anyone. Everyone in the club is free to hold their own beliefs and views as long as they aren't trying to push them off onto everyone else. We generally hold a "don't ask, don't tell" policy here. If you must talk about your religion or set of beliefs, please do it in the religion-specific chat rooms we have set aside.
Also, one last thing, we are now accepting submissions of dark, angsty poetry to put on the front page of our website. Please try to keep them short, as we don't want to lose the attention of our audience, who have mostly been raised on reality shows and microwavable food. Brief example:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've lost my head
And so can you
Well that's about it, I really look forward to meeting with all of you other non-conformists and individualists! It's going to be an exciting time for those who can make the grade, let me tell you! w00t!
Join us! Be yourself, everyone's doing it!
In the name of the Earth Mother,
C.
(Definition of Wicked Hair, for those of you who haven't recieved your manual yet: Wicked Hair is Hair that is gelled and spiked hard enough to kill a mule at thirty paces. Or, alternately, wicked hair is hair that is messy enough to give nearby dogs a desperate survival-urge to take a bath.)
