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- Name: Nathan
- Location: United States
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This is functioning as a bi-annual, semi-regular, entirely made-up humor column, written and directed by Christopher Saint (which is not, in fact, my real name. If you don't like the fact that I use an alias, you may bite me.)
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Whatever happened to recycling empty pop cans for money? Why the heck can't we take our used cans to some big smelly place and get 2 cents per can anymore?
If I had 2 cents for every empty can that has sat on my desk for more than a day, I would be the first "Can Recycling Magnate" ever. I could become wealthy off these things.
So I really think that someone should re-institute that whole system. Give to the people so that the people can give to the earth! A better world through paid recycling!
Or even a point system of some sort: you would recycle cans and earn "Earth Points" that you could use to get nifty government merchandise, such as a "I'm A Fed" hat, or a "Beware of Taxpayers" hat. Or a shirt that says (on the front), "If a man cheats on his taxes in a forest, and there are no IRS agents around to witness it, will he still go to jail?" and on the back: "Yes. And he'll probably rot there too."
Oh! Wonderful idea: what if you could turn in enough cans, and earn enough points to get one "Free Traffic Ticket": the next time you get pulled over for something minor like speeding or running a stoplight or stop sign, or vehicular manslaughter, you get to hand over a certificate to the cop and you don't have to pay anything for the ticket! What a wonderful idea!
Or possibly you could earn a tax break. Wow. I'll take it.
Or you could get "Natural Stuff (tm)", like a potted tree. 500 points gets you a trowel, with which you can till the land and produce crops. 1000 points gets you one of those little useless fork things. 50,000 points gets you a lifetime supply of petunia seeds. And, the highest, 100,000 points gets you an acre of land in North Dakota, and three seedling trees.
However, I must say alas, for these are dark days that do not provide incentives for recycling. So mankind shall continue to bury the roadsides in cigarette butts and empty plastic bottles. Woe to you foolish humans! What waste! Thou heapest ruin upon thy own head!
Whoa. Sorry. I guess I was getting a little worked up.
--Christopher Saint
If I had 2 cents for every empty can that has sat on my desk for more than a day, I would be the first "Can Recycling Magnate" ever. I could become wealthy off these things.
So I really think that someone should re-institute that whole system. Give to the people so that the people can give to the earth! A better world through paid recycling!
Or even a point system of some sort: you would recycle cans and earn "Earth Points" that you could use to get nifty government merchandise, such as a "I'm A Fed" hat, or a "Beware of Taxpayers" hat. Or a shirt that says (on the front), "If a man cheats on his taxes in a forest, and there are no IRS agents around to witness it, will he still go to jail?" and on the back: "Yes. And he'll probably rot there too."
Oh! Wonderful idea: what if you could turn in enough cans, and earn enough points to get one "Free Traffic Ticket": the next time you get pulled over for something minor like speeding or running a stoplight or stop sign, or vehicular manslaughter, you get to hand over a certificate to the cop and you don't have to pay anything for the ticket! What a wonderful idea!
Or possibly you could earn a tax break. Wow. I'll take it.
Or you could get "Natural Stuff (tm)", like a potted tree. 500 points gets you a trowel, with which you can till the land and produce crops. 1000 points gets you one of those little useless fork things. 50,000 points gets you a lifetime supply of petunia seeds. And, the highest, 100,000 points gets you an acre of land in North Dakota, and three seedling trees.
However, I must say alas, for these are dark days that do not provide incentives for recycling. So mankind shall continue to bury the roadsides in cigarette butts and empty plastic bottles. Woe to you foolish humans! What waste! Thou heapest ruin upon thy own head!
Whoa. Sorry. I guess I was getting a little worked up.
--Christopher Saint
