About Me
- Name: Nathan
- Location: United States
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Links
- My Personal Website
- Dave Barry's Column
- Mil's Apology Homepage
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Archives
This is functioning as a bi-annual, semi-regular, entirely made-up humor column, written and directed by Christopher Saint (which is not, in fact, my real name. If you don't like the fact that I use an alias, you may bite me.)
Friday, January 02, 2004
NEW HERBAL FORMULA!!! HIGHLY INCREASES POTENCY!!! JUST LOOK AT ALL THESE TESTIMONIES OF SATISFIED CUSTOMERS!
"I took NEW HERBAL FORMULA and found that my POTENCY was HIGHLY INCREASED!"
--Joe Smith, WA
"I started taking the NEW HERBAL FORMULA two weeks ago, and already I feel MORE POTENT!"
--Bob Franklin, MS
"I had no confidence, no energy, and no hair, but then I discovered NEW HERBAL FORMULA, and it CHANGED MY LIFE! In less than a week! I give NEW HERBAL FORMULA full credit for my AMAZING EXPLOITS!"
--Davy Crockett, DC
"I was tired all the time. I had no life. I had a terminal case of brain cancer, and my limbs were all shrunken and useless, but then, I found the wonderful healing effects of NEW HERBAL FORMULA! And now I'm a new woman! I've taken up jogging, and I'm trying out for the Olympic Marathon Team next year!"
--Betsy Springfield, IL
EVEN DOCTORS RECOMMEND NEW HERBAL FORMULA!
"In all my 291 years of being a personal physician, I have never found anything like NEW HERBAL FORMULA. It HIGHLY INCREASES POTENCY in pretty much everything, including some varieties of shrubs."
--Dr. Samuel E. Flingerwaffle, PhD, M.D., Harvard, Yale, Bob's Institute of Stuff
SO TRY NEW HERBAL FORMULA TODAY! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CALL 1-888-TAKEMYMONEY AND YOU TOO CAN EXPERIENCE THE WONDER OF NEW HERBAL FORMULA!
I have a question for Russia. Do you think that we (America) could borrow Siberia?
We have what I believe is a pressing need to exile some people. Namely, those people who put out spam email on the internet. I think that if we banished them all to Siberia, a land of snow and ice and eternal winter, and, most importantly, no computers, then it would solve a big problem.
Also, I think we should banish the people that designed those web ads that say something to the effect of: "Shoot the ball/hit the pink cow and win!" And then flash a lot and move a lot and are just generally distracting and very, very annoying.
Maybe if you actually won something, it wouldn't matter, but of course you don't. It is merely a ploy. You shoot the pink cow, and what you win is a chance to fill out a long form for a credit card application, and IF you get approved for the credit card, you will win a "50 dollar DVD player" that they actually paid maybe 15 dollars for. And it will break the instant you touch a button on it.
It is all a part of their wonderful customer satisfaction guarantee, which states, "If the customer somehow manages to be satisfied, we personally will quit, because we just don't know what else we can do to make their lives miserable."
So, I propose that we ship them all off to Siberia. Where they can dissatisfy some Polar Bears by means of causing stomach cramps.
So, Russia, if you could think about the potential benefits of giving Siberia to a worthy cause, we would much appreciate it.
Thanks. Sincerely,
Me
"I took NEW HERBAL FORMULA and found that my POTENCY was HIGHLY INCREASED!"
--Joe Smith, WA
"I started taking the NEW HERBAL FORMULA two weeks ago, and already I feel MORE POTENT!"
--Bob Franklin, MS
"I had no confidence, no energy, and no hair, but then I discovered NEW HERBAL FORMULA, and it CHANGED MY LIFE! In less than a week! I give NEW HERBAL FORMULA full credit for my AMAZING EXPLOITS!"
--Davy Crockett, DC
"I was tired all the time. I had no life. I had a terminal case of brain cancer, and my limbs were all shrunken and useless, but then, I found the wonderful healing effects of NEW HERBAL FORMULA! And now I'm a new woman! I've taken up jogging, and I'm trying out for the Olympic Marathon Team next year!"
--Betsy Springfield, IL
EVEN DOCTORS RECOMMEND NEW HERBAL FORMULA!
"In all my 291 years of being a personal physician, I have never found anything like NEW HERBAL FORMULA. It HIGHLY INCREASES POTENCY in pretty much everything, including some varieties of shrubs."
--Dr. Samuel E. Flingerwaffle, PhD, M.D., Harvard, Yale, Bob's Institute of Stuff
SO TRY NEW HERBAL FORMULA TODAY! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CALL 1-888-TAKEMYMONEY AND YOU TOO CAN EXPERIENCE THE WONDER OF NEW HERBAL FORMULA!
I have a question for Russia. Do you think that we (America) could borrow Siberia?
We have what I believe is a pressing need to exile some people. Namely, those people who put out spam email on the internet. I think that if we banished them all to Siberia, a land of snow and ice and eternal winter, and, most importantly, no computers, then it would solve a big problem.
Also, I think we should banish the people that designed those web ads that say something to the effect of: "Shoot the ball/hit the pink cow and win!" And then flash a lot and move a lot and are just generally distracting and very, very annoying.
Maybe if you actually won something, it wouldn't matter, but of course you don't. It is merely a ploy. You shoot the pink cow, and what you win is a chance to fill out a long form for a credit card application, and IF you get approved for the credit card, you will win a "50 dollar DVD player" that they actually paid maybe 15 dollars for. And it will break the instant you touch a button on it.
It is all a part of their wonderful customer satisfaction guarantee, which states, "If the customer somehow manages to be satisfied, we personally will quit, because we just don't know what else we can do to make their lives miserable."
So, I propose that we ship them all off to Siberia. Where they can dissatisfy some Polar Bears by means of causing stomach cramps.
So, Russia, if you could think about the potential benefits of giving Siberia to a worthy cause, we would much appreciate it.
Thanks. Sincerely,
Me
