Christopher Saint's Humor Column

Today's Column is entitled:
For the Last Time, We Don't Care.


I am referring, of course, to all the articles that somehow manage to get published (mainly on Pop News type websites, and frighteningly public places such as MSN.com) about people like Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. I don't mean to pick on just them though, I also want to pick on all the rest of Hollywood and on the people, there must be some out there, who actually read the articles. My guess is that the world's Sanitariums are getting "wired" in a totally new sense of the word.

The articles I am addressing are the ones that start with lines like: "Bennifer breaks up!" Or, "What in God's name was Brittany thinking anyway?"

I picture a certain kind of person reading articles like "Bennifer breaks up!" That kind of person is a pre-teen, cell-phone-wielding, teenie-bopper girl.

At 291 Apogee St. a girl, Madge Anklewater, is staying home from school because she is sick. She is therefore the first one to read the incredible news.

"Oh my Gawd! Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck broke up?! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I've got to tell everyone!" Madge unzips her tiny purse (which contains only a cell-phone, a tube of lipstick, and 100 limited edition 'Angel the TV Series' collectable cards, all featuring Angel) and pulls out her cell-phone. She drops it in her rush to turn it on, but she quickly picks it back up and regains control. Frantically, she dials.

"What? I'm in the middle of, like, sleeping through Math Class." says a groggy, yet young and feminine voice on the other end.

Madge blurts something that sounds like, "BeneeeeeeeeeeeeandJeneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebrokeupeeeeeeeeeeeeeecanyoubelieveit?!"

There is silence for a moment as Ginge (the girl on the other end) absorbs this information. Then:

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! REALLY?? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I'M GOING TO CALL EVERYONE!"

Madge shouts, "Me too!"

They both hang up simultaneously, and simultaneously begin dialing frantically. Ginge's dialing, however, is interrupted by a rather insensitive and thoughtless math teacher, who, for some reason, thinks that Ginge should be listening to the lesson.

Madge continues the brave crusade of informing everyone in her peer group that Ben and Jen broke up by placing a call to Dorth; short for Dorothy, which has too many syllables to be useful.

The phone gets through half a ring, and Dorth picks up, "Madge?" Dorth has Caller-ID.

"Dorth! Guess what?!"

Dorth gets very excited, "What?! What?!"

"Ben and Jen broke up!"

"No way!"

"Way!"

Two seconds of silence.

"No way!"

"Way!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"That's what I said!"

"Madge, just think, now I can, like, send Ben all those love letters that I, like, wrote!"

"But Dorth, I thought you, like, burned those in protest when he married Jen."

"No! Of course not! I mean, I was going to, but, like, I didn't."

Soon, Ben Affleck's agent's secretary will receive, like, 32 letters from the same person. Like, wow.

Now, please don't misunderstand and think that I think that all pre-teen girls act like that. No indeed. Out there, somewhere, was a girl who saw, "Bennifer breaks up!" and said, in a sarcastic tone, "Huh. There's a surprise." Then checked her email. As it turns out, she had received 339 "Friendship Poems" from people she had met once in passing. 339 deletions later, she settled down with a warm cup of tea and read chapter two in The Fellowship of the Ring. There is an abiding place in my heart for that girl.

Another big sort of article that one finds on Pop News sites is of the following form: "Shocking Lust Sex Affair Between (insert celebrity name here) and Some Farm Animals."

Usually, these don't really do much but sit around on Pop News sites, being read by people whose bodies have been possessed by aliens. Sometimes, however, these pieces morph into something so frightening that I quiver with fear at the very thought. They become a TV special:

Time Magazine presents a new 60-minute documentary on the 'Farm Animal Affair'

"Shocking!"
--Ebert, of Ebert and Roper

"Lustful!"
--Roper, of Ebert and Roper

"Affair-like!"
--Bob Manderfilge, of the Delaware Daily Gossip

Be aware that some parental discretion is advised in the viewing of this documentary, because it contains some highly naked goats.

I recall, with a certain amount of trepidation (which is my big word for today), an article that I (I am ashamed to admit) actually read on MSN.com (purveyor of glitz, glamour, and ads for dating websites.)

This article was about, I kid you not, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez buying a car. Here are some direct quotes which I am entirely making up:

"The whispered rumors proved true today when Ben and Jen thoroughly looked over a Mitsubishi Quasar."

"...shocking dispute over green or black fluffy seat-coverings."

"...had to physically restrain crazed fans from buying every single Mitsubishi Quasar on the lot."

"Several fights broke out when Jen and Ben disagreed over whether to get Power-Assisted Steering, or Full-Power Steering. One man, when asked his opinion, said: 'I've always thought that Ben Affleck was an idiot, and this just proves it; he should be buying a Dodge Ram.' A woman that was interviewed stated, 'I can't believe that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, of all people, are thinking about buying a Japanese-made car rather than American-made, they are traitorous scum. They should be setting a patriotic standard for the nation's youth, because it's obviously their responsibility to make sure that my kids don't grow up to be terrorists.'"

So there you have it. The big news. Soon it will be a TV feature:

Time Magazine presents a 60-minute documentary, 'Buying a Car with a Couple of Stars.'

"Shocking!"
--Ebert, of Ebert and Roper

"Lustful!"
--Roper, of Ebert and Roper

"I love the part where Ben kicks the tire and says, 'Well, Jen, this tire has air in it.'"
--Bob Manderfilge, of the Delaware Daily Gossip

So, my message is to all of you freaks who actually publish articles like this. We don't care! We, meaning everyone who uses at least 0.2 percent of their allotted brain tissue. I cannot speak for the other people.

And to all you people out there who actually read those articles for reasons other than sick curiosity, I say, "Why?!"

Why do you read articles like that and give the people who publish them reason to continue doing so? Why must you create a market for something that at the very best causes headaches for 90% of humanity? What kind of legacy are we leaving for the next generation?

Instead of leaving behind such wonders as Plato and Homer and Dickens, we leave behind stories about how Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck selected a car based solely on how many naked goats they could fit in the trunk.

I weep for our children.