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This is functioning as a bi-annual, semi-regular, entirely made-up humor column, written and directed by Christopher Saint (which is not, in fact, my real name. If you don't like the fact that I use an alias, you may bite me.)
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Today's topic is: viruses, and bacteria. Mainly because I have "come down" with that most dreaded of viruses, the Black Plague. No, just kidding, actually, I have the Flu. Which is short for Influenza, which is a French word that means, literally, "Freaking gross."
I will now list some of the symptoms of "Influenza", just for the heck of it.
A fever. Aches. Pains. Digestive difficulties. Unnecessary regurgitation. Dehydration. Hallucinations. Blindness. Death.
Fortunately, I have not experienced all of the aforementioned symptoms. I have a mild case of "Influenza" and the worst it's gotten is when I was crawling around on the floor, alternately barking like a dog and begging God to smite me with lightning and get it over with.
But now, let's take a scientific look at the virus itself.
Viruses in general, and the Influenza virus specifically, turn an average human being into a living cloud of stench, filth, and general unpleasantness. It is speculated by scientists that this is what happened to King Nebuchadnezzar (which is probably misspelled) in the Bible during that period of his life when he was crawling on the ground and eating grass and growing long fingernails and wracking up a really, really big bill with his therapist.
On top of the aforementioned symptoms, the Influenza Infected Individual (or Triple I) is also deserted by all the others of its tribe/family group. In addition to being totally grossed-out by the Individual, the pack members cannot even recognize them anymore. The Individual has been reduced to a husk of its former self.
The Individual's loved ones will chase them off, with electric cattle prods if necessary, in order to keep from catching the horrid disease themselves. This results in one of those pathetic rituals that are always getting shown on National Geographic wildlife shows.
Narrator: So we see the wild (insert kind of animal here, zebra, hyena, antelope, deer, cow, mollusk) trying to return to its (herd, pack, pride, flock, swarm, mob, gene pool) but being rejected by the other members.
Scene: The whatever-it-is has a hideous disease, and it's wasting away as we watch. This is really nasty, but it's the kind of thing they always show, because it's the kind of thing that always gets great ratings. People turn it on and say, "Eeeew! What's that?" Then they can't help watching, they are riveted to the screen because of some kind of strange fascination that humanity has with gross stuff. So the thing, for our purposes let's say it's a zebra (and please note that this is a work of fiction, any resemblance or similarity to real zebras is purely coincidental), is trying to stay with the herd, it's lonely, and sick, and needs help.
However, the herd is not liking this idea, because the herd knows that the sick zebra is quite contagious, and has a bad habit of not washing its hooves enough, so the herd chooses instead to force the sick zebra away. If the herd has its way, the sick zebra will eventually fear them so much that it will move to a different watering hole and change its name and get an unlisted phone number, and possibly even hire a couple of body guards, both named Vinny.
However, the sick zebra still has pipe dreams of being with the herd once again. It gets closer and closer to the herd, but several bouncer zebras head it off and kick it out. After several attempts at this, the zebra becomes more desperate, attempting to fling itself headlong into other zebras.
Narrator: Now, some of you watching this may be thinking: "Why don't they help that poor zebra out?" But we here at National Geographic believe that it is more correct to let nature take its course...and then make lots of money off of selling the film footage. Unless of course, a tribe of naked people show up. In that case we will instantly forget the zebras and film the people, because they always make the ratings shoot up.
So the zebra is rejected, and you may be thinking that nature is a cruel master, that this is totally unfair, and that someone should have the life sued out of them for it. You may even be thinking that the herd itself is a horrid, hateful entity that loves only the strong and the powerful and cares nothing for the needy. You're right. They are following the ancient, unwritten (until now) rules of The Herd.
Rule 1: Survival of the fittest.
Rule 2: Fittest is a word, despite the fact that 'bestest' is not.
Rule 3: Strength in numbers.
Rule 4: There must be at least one female per herd.
Rule 5: If you get sick and die, that's your bloody problem.
Rule 6: If you straggle behind and get eaten, that's also your bloody problem.
Rule 7: If you are young and helpless and don't know what's going on or how to deal with the world, then, well, that's pretty much your bloody problem. If you're not born with enough sense to survive, than we don't really want you in our herd anyway, you freak.
Rule 8: If something big and mean comes along, it's every zebra for themselves, but stay together.
Rule 9: If something big and mean is chasing the herd, kick one of the smaller, insignificant zebras so that they get eaten and distract the big, mean thing.
Rule 10: It's a cruel world, but don't come crying to me about it.
The sick zebra stumbles off into the distance, leaving behind the cool shade of the trees by the watering hole, and as we watch, heat waves rise up from the desert and envelope the lone zebra. Its silhouette dwindles as a flaming orange sun sets, and just before all the light fades, we can see the dark shadow of a lion, reading a dinner menu...and he's not ordering the escargot.
Narrator: So you see, the great circle of life comes to a close once again. *Cough cough* Oh dear, I seem to have caught a slight cold.
Scene: The camera jiggles as the cameramen move violently away from the infected narrator. He tries to rejoin the herd, but is beaten off by large directors wielding cattle-prods. His attempts weaken, until finally he staggers away from the cool shade of the studio building and is run over by a car.
So, viruses are dangerous, and unpleasant, and should not be taken in under any circumstances. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you see a virus, you should kill it first and ask questions later.
I will now list some of the symptoms of "Influenza", just for the heck of it.
A fever. Aches. Pains. Digestive difficulties. Unnecessary regurgitation. Dehydration. Hallucinations. Blindness. Death.
Fortunately, I have not experienced all of the aforementioned symptoms. I have a mild case of "Influenza" and the worst it's gotten is when I was crawling around on the floor, alternately barking like a dog and begging God to smite me with lightning and get it over with.
But now, let's take a scientific look at the virus itself.
Viruses in general, and the Influenza virus specifically, turn an average human being into a living cloud of stench, filth, and general unpleasantness. It is speculated by scientists that this is what happened to King Nebuchadnezzar (which is probably misspelled) in the Bible during that period of his life when he was crawling on the ground and eating grass and growing long fingernails and wracking up a really, really big bill with his therapist.
On top of the aforementioned symptoms, the Influenza Infected Individual (or Triple I) is also deserted by all the others of its tribe/family group. In addition to being totally grossed-out by the Individual, the pack members cannot even recognize them anymore. The Individual has been reduced to a husk of its former self.
The Individual's loved ones will chase them off, with electric cattle prods if necessary, in order to keep from catching the horrid disease themselves. This results in one of those pathetic rituals that are always getting shown on National Geographic wildlife shows.
Narrator: So we see the wild (insert kind of animal here, zebra, hyena, antelope, deer, cow, mollusk) trying to return to its (herd, pack, pride, flock, swarm, mob, gene pool) but being rejected by the other members.
Scene: The whatever-it-is has a hideous disease, and it's wasting away as we watch. This is really nasty, but it's the kind of thing they always show, because it's the kind of thing that always gets great ratings. People turn it on and say, "Eeeew! What's that?" Then they can't help watching, they are riveted to the screen because of some kind of strange fascination that humanity has with gross stuff. So the thing, for our purposes let's say it's a zebra (and please note that this is a work of fiction, any resemblance or similarity to real zebras is purely coincidental), is trying to stay with the herd, it's lonely, and sick, and needs help.
However, the herd is not liking this idea, because the herd knows that the sick zebra is quite contagious, and has a bad habit of not washing its hooves enough, so the herd chooses instead to force the sick zebra away. If the herd has its way, the sick zebra will eventually fear them so much that it will move to a different watering hole and change its name and get an unlisted phone number, and possibly even hire a couple of body guards, both named Vinny.
However, the sick zebra still has pipe dreams of being with the herd once again. It gets closer and closer to the herd, but several bouncer zebras head it off and kick it out. After several attempts at this, the zebra becomes more desperate, attempting to fling itself headlong into other zebras.
Narrator: Now, some of you watching this may be thinking: "Why don't they help that poor zebra out?" But we here at National Geographic believe that it is more correct to let nature take its course...and then make lots of money off of selling the film footage. Unless of course, a tribe of naked people show up. In that case we will instantly forget the zebras and film the people, because they always make the ratings shoot up.
So the zebra is rejected, and you may be thinking that nature is a cruel master, that this is totally unfair, and that someone should have the life sued out of them for it. You may even be thinking that the herd itself is a horrid, hateful entity that loves only the strong and the powerful and cares nothing for the needy. You're right. They are following the ancient, unwritten (until now) rules of The Herd.
Rule 1: Survival of the fittest.
Rule 2: Fittest is a word, despite the fact that 'bestest' is not.
Rule 3: Strength in numbers.
Rule 4: There must be at least one female per herd.
Rule 5: If you get sick and die, that's your bloody problem.
Rule 6: If you straggle behind and get eaten, that's also your bloody problem.
Rule 7: If you are young and helpless and don't know what's going on or how to deal with the world, then, well, that's pretty much your bloody problem. If you're not born with enough sense to survive, than we don't really want you in our herd anyway, you freak.
Rule 8: If something big and mean comes along, it's every zebra for themselves, but stay together.
Rule 9: If something big and mean is chasing the herd, kick one of the smaller, insignificant zebras so that they get eaten and distract the big, mean thing.
Rule 10: It's a cruel world, but don't come crying to me about it.
The sick zebra stumbles off into the distance, leaving behind the cool shade of the trees by the watering hole, and as we watch, heat waves rise up from the desert and envelope the lone zebra. Its silhouette dwindles as a flaming orange sun sets, and just before all the light fades, we can see the dark shadow of a lion, reading a dinner menu...and he's not ordering the escargot.
Narrator: So you see, the great circle of life comes to a close once again. *Cough cough* Oh dear, I seem to have caught a slight cold.
Scene: The camera jiggles as the cameramen move violently away from the infected narrator. He tries to rejoin the herd, but is beaten off by large directors wielding cattle-prods. His attempts weaken, until finally he staggers away from the cool shade of the studio building and is run over by a car.
So, viruses are dangerous, and unpleasant, and should not be taken in under any circumstances. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you see a virus, you should kill it first and ask questions later.
