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- Name: Nathan
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This is functioning as a bi-annual, semi-regular, entirely made-up humor column, written and directed by Christopher Saint (which is not, in fact, my real name. If you don't like the fact that I use an alias, you may bite me.)
Sunday, January 04, 2004
Well folks, I have some wonderful news! Drinking alcohol can help you speak better! That's right, according to a New York Times article, a psychologist named Nicholas Christenfeld has found that drinking alcohol reduces the number of times people use the filler word "um" in their conversations. Wow.
I mean, if only, if ONLY we had known this before! So now you can, in good conscience, get really smashed before a speech. It's all part of the preparation.
Allow me to give you an idea of how this would work. Let's say, hypothetically, that George Bush is giving a speech. It might go something like this:
"Citizens of, uh, America. It has come to our, uh, attention, that, um, there's bad stuff happening. Specifically, there is, uh, bad stuff happening in Iraq. The bad stuff, um, takes on the form of, er, weapons of mass, um, destruction."
Now, take that same speech with Mr. Bush in a state of inebriation.
"Chitishens of America. It hash come to our attenshon that--" Mr. Bush teeters on the platform and becomes intensely interested in a fly on the podium. "Thish fly ish cleaning ithelf. Heh heh heh! Nice fly." Mr. Bush squishes the fly. Then he turns to Vice President Dick Cheney. "Hey Dick, letsh, uh, go get something to drink! I could go for a margarita!" Then Mr. Bush passes out on the floor.
The difference between the two speeches is amazing, in the second speech, the use of the filler words "uh," "um," and "er" is greatly reduced. This makes for an altogether more convincing and "well-rehearsed" sounding speech.
Actually, I think that a program should be set in motion to take advantage of the wonderful fluency-increasing effects of alcohol. Free alcohol should be provided to all members of Congress, and they should be encouraged to drink it before every public speech. This would greatly improve not only the duration of the speeches (they are way too long now), but also the entertainment value (measured in amount of times the congressperson does something hilarious, like slapping themselves).
I bet that C-Span would find itself suddenly overrun with viewers. People would start actually caring about politics! I think that it would start a rise in the number of people who actually vote as well. Also, it would make the politicians altogether more honest, more jovial, and more agreeable. Maybe, just maybe, congress would actually be able to accomplish something! Here is what I envision:
1st Congressperson: "I would like to, hic, introdush a new bill."
2nd Congressperson: "But Bill is right over, hic, there! Why do we, hic, need a new one?"
1st Congressperson: "Oh...hic...hic...well, letsh adjourn and go get some more to drink then."
So, as you can see, things would get done much more quickly.
Anyway, I want to say a big "Thank you!" to Nicholas Christenfeld and the New York Times. What would we do without you guys?
I mean, if only, if ONLY we had known this before! So now you can, in good conscience, get really smashed before a speech. It's all part of the preparation.
Allow me to give you an idea of how this would work. Let's say, hypothetically, that George Bush is giving a speech. It might go something like this:
"Citizens of, uh, America. It has come to our, uh, attention, that, um, there's bad stuff happening. Specifically, there is, uh, bad stuff happening in Iraq. The bad stuff, um, takes on the form of, er, weapons of mass, um, destruction."
Now, take that same speech with Mr. Bush in a state of inebriation.
"Chitishens of America. It hash come to our attenshon that--" Mr. Bush teeters on the platform and becomes intensely interested in a fly on the podium. "Thish fly ish cleaning ithelf. Heh heh heh! Nice fly." Mr. Bush squishes the fly. Then he turns to Vice President Dick Cheney. "Hey Dick, letsh, uh, go get something to drink! I could go for a margarita!" Then Mr. Bush passes out on the floor.
The difference between the two speeches is amazing, in the second speech, the use of the filler words "uh," "um," and "er" is greatly reduced. This makes for an altogether more convincing and "well-rehearsed" sounding speech.
Actually, I think that a program should be set in motion to take advantage of the wonderful fluency-increasing effects of alcohol. Free alcohol should be provided to all members of Congress, and they should be encouraged to drink it before every public speech. This would greatly improve not only the duration of the speeches (they are way too long now), but also the entertainment value (measured in amount of times the congressperson does something hilarious, like slapping themselves).
I bet that C-Span would find itself suddenly overrun with viewers. People would start actually caring about politics! I think that it would start a rise in the number of people who actually vote as well. Also, it would make the politicians altogether more honest, more jovial, and more agreeable. Maybe, just maybe, congress would actually be able to accomplish something! Here is what I envision:
1st Congressperson: "I would like to, hic, introdush a new bill."
2nd Congressperson: "But Bill is right over, hic, there! Why do we, hic, need a new one?"
1st Congressperson: "Oh...hic...hic...well, letsh adjourn and go get some more to drink then."
So, as you can see, things would get done much more quickly.
Anyway, I want to say a big "Thank you!" to Nicholas Christenfeld and the New York Times. What would we do without you guys?
