Christopher Saint's Humor Column

Questions of Great Concern

Today's entry is going to deal with some of the many questions that plague the greatest minds in the world. Indeed, some of these questions have gone unanswered for centuries. But today, we are going to answer them, just because we can.

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Q: How can we solve the problem of World Hunger?

A: Good question, this is one that great minds have struggled with for centuries before finally going insane. We believe the answer is obvious. You're all just too darn hungry. If you'd stop being hungry, we wouldn't have World Hunger.

Q: Where did the idea of money come from?

A: Well, that question goes back to the very beginning of time. You see, originally the world was one huge, idyllic garden, where people and animals cavorted and lived fearless lives of happiness. But you see there was this one forbidden tree, called the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Now some people believe that this tree grew apples. That's just silly. Naturally, the tree grew money. Everyone knows that the Love of Money is the Root of All Evil.

So one day a serpent--and remember that back then serpents were different, they walked on two legs and wore suits and smoked expensive cigars--came to Eve and offered to sell her a wonderful new set of curtains. However, the new curtains would cost money, which Eve didn't have. She really, really wanted the curtains though, so in the end she gave into temptation and picked some money from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. She got the curtains, and she even bought some power tools for Adam, which he fell in love with, and so they both sinned.

In them sprouted the Root of the Tree, which was the Love of Money, and the world fell into darkness and despair.

Q: So, we're going to hell because of some curtains?!

A: Yes.

Q: That's horrible!

A: We agree, although remember that there was also a power drill and a ratchet set involved.

Q: Oh, well that's okay then.

A: Next question please.

Q: Right. How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

A: Well, after much inner deliberation, we have come to the conclusion that the answer is 34.

Q: Wow! You are a genius!

A: Yes, we know.

Q: What is a "peninsula"?

A: It's a writing implement that is made of wood, and a strange compound that is found only the in pants of soldiers. The compound is called lead, and every now and then, the army extracts it from the soldiers' pants by applying one hollering drill sergeant to a bushel of soldiers. ("Get the lead out of your pants! Move move move! Smith! You sorry little puke! If you don't keep in time with the rest of the squad I'll fry your *censored* and then I'll *really censored*!")

The lead is then melted down, purified, condensed, percolated, and regurgitated to form thin cylinders.

These cylinders are wrapped in wood and given straight into the hands of our school children.

All of this has somehow given rise to the ancient Chinese saying: "The peninsula is mightier than the sword." Unfortunately, the wise one that uttered those words was beheaded by Mongol hordes less than five minutes later, and was not able to bequeath us with any more wisdom.

Q: You like to talk a lot, don't you?

A: Not at all, that is merely an illusion.

Q: Oh.

A: Well thank you folks, that is all for now. Someday, perhaps, we will answer yet more of the World's Questions of Great Concern. Until that day, fare well, and tidings of great joy, and stuff.

Q: Wait! I still have more questions! Like, what are Black Holes, and where do babies come from, and how can I travel through time, and why are the traffic signals always red when I'm in a hurry?

A: Be patient, my young apprentice. Your fragile mind is not yet ready for those truths. One day, you will know, but if I told you the answers to all your questions right now, your brain would implode and leave only primordial slush.

Q: Well darn.

A: Quite so.