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This is functioning as a bi-annual, semi-regular, entirely made-up humor column, written and directed by Christopher Saint (which is not, in fact, my real name. If you don't like the fact that I use an alias, you may bite me.)
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Questions of Great Concern, Part Deux
This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of those momentous occasions when I feel the need to translate for myself. Translation is in these thingies ( ).
Finally, at long last, arrives the highly anticipated (completely forgotten) sequel to the tremendously popular (read at least once by me) original Questions of Great Concern column.
Why, you may ask (but probably won't) do you call this column "Part Deux"? Because I have been led to believe that Deux means "two". If you know better, and believe that I am mistaken, please feel free to contact me with your correction, but remember that I don't care and won't read it.
Also, I cannot help but feel that "deux"--regardless of meaning--is superior in every way to "two". "Deux" has more letters, uses the letter "x", and is infinitly harder to correctly pronounce than "two". What's not to like?
I, for one, have never heard the word "deux" said out loud by any authoritative party. Hence there is, in my mind, some question as to its pronunciation. Is it pronounced "doo"? How about "dukes"? Perchance one should say it like "dough".
"Oh dear, it seems I have stepped in some doggy deux."
Or:
"I say old boy! Do you think that the bread deux has risen yet? And if so, how shall we ever put it down again?"
Or even:
"You sun of a rawtten dawg! I'm a'gonna hit you so hard that yer gonna be breathin' through yer hiney! Put up yer deux!"
Now we will move on to the questions of great concern. Yes, these are questions that have been utterly flummoxing (causing to grow large, tree-like sprouts) the world's greatest minds for centuries.
Our first question is no doubt one that you have asked yourself many times. Pretty stupid of you really. If you have to ask yourself the question, you obviously don't know the answer, which means you're asking the wrong person!
With me, you understand, I ask myself questions, but only rhetorical ones. I already know I know the answer, I simply want to hear how I explain it. Don't try to figure that statement out, it will fry your brain.
The question is:
Q: What is Life?
A: The answer to this question lies in the body of work presented by a man with the dubious name of Murphy. "Whatever it is that you don't have but want really badly, that's life."
Q: What a letdown!
A: Life often is.
Q: Which should I avoid eating in order to become a manly hunk of awesomeness like you, carbs, or fats?
A: While I feel that your quest to be like me is futile, I nevertheless have the answer to your question. Which do you like more: Pasta, or Bacon? If you answered Pasta, you should avoid carbs, if you answered Bacon, then you should avoid fats.
Q: What if I like my spaghetti with bacon bits on it?
A: Oh, then you're screwed. You may as well accept that you will die at age 31 from a combined heart attack/stroke/cancerous tumor.
Q: How can I make my mark in life?
A: Well, if you were a dog, I'd suggest that you pee on everything possible. But you're a person, so give it a try and see how it works out for you. If that doesn't do it though, you may want to try carving obscene messages on bathroom walls. But try to make them entertaining, there isn't much I find more disappointing than a boring obscene-bathroom-wall-message.
Q: Do you think that John Kerry is a good choice for President of the U.S.?
A: Yes and No.
Q: Could you elaborate?
A: Yes and No.
Q: What's that supposed to mean?
A: We will let you, the voting public, decide that.
Q: Why are we here on this earth?
A: Well, let's just say that you should never, ever, gamble.
Q: So THAT'S what they meant by "a cosmic roll of the dice."
A: No, actually, that has nothing to do with it.
Q: Why can't people just get along?
A: Because they are all stupid morons.
Q: Isn't that a very depressing way to look at things?
A: Only if you think about it too much, otherwise it's just mildly amusing. Ignorance, my friend, is bliss.
Q: Ah, then that explains my near-constant state of unbearable euphoria.
A: Couldn't have said it better myself.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of those momentous occasions when I feel the need to translate for myself. Translation is in these thingies ( ).
Finally, at long last, arrives the highly anticipated (completely forgotten) sequel to the tremendously popular (read at least once by me) original Questions of Great Concern column.
Why, you may ask (but probably won't) do you call this column "Part Deux"? Because I have been led to believe that Deux means "two". If you know better, and believe that I am mistaken, please feel free to contact me with your correction, but remember that I don't care and won't read it.
Also, I cannot help but feel that "deux"--regardless of meaning--is superior in every way to "two". "Deux" has more letters, uses the letter "x", and is infinitly harder to correctly pronounce than "two". What's not to like?
I, for one, have never heard the word "deux" said out loud by any authoritative party. Hence there is, in my mind, some question as to its pronunciation. Is it pronounced "doo"? How about "dukes"? Perchance one should say it like "dough".
"Oh dear, it seems I have stepped in some doggy deux."
Or:
"I say old boy! Do you think that the bread deux has risen yet? And if so, how shall we ever put it down again?"
Or even:
"You sun of a rawtten dawg! I'm a'gonna hit you so hard that yer gonna be breathin' through yer hiney! Put up yer deux!"
Now we will move on to the questions of great concern. Yes, these are questions that have been utterly flummoxing (causing to grow large, tree-like sprouts) the world's greatest minds for centuries.
Our first question is no doubt one that you have asked yourself many times. Pretty stupid of you really. If you have to ask yourself the question, you obviously don't know the answer, which means you're asking the wrong person!
With me, you understand, I ask myself questions, but only rhetorical ones. I already know I know the answer, I simply want to hear how I explain it. Don't try to figure that statement out, it will fry your brain.
The question is:
Q: What is Life?
A: The answer to this question lies in the body of work presented by a man with the dubious name of Murphy. "Whatever it is that you don't have but want really badly, that's life."
Q: What a letdown!
A: Life often is.
Q: Which should I avoid eating in order to become a manly hunk of awesomeness like you, carbs, or fats?
A: While I feel that your quest to be like me is futile, I nevertheless have the answer to your question. Which do you like more: Pasta, or Bacon? If you answered Pasta, you should avoid carbs, if you answered Bacon, then you should avoid fats.
Q: What if I like my spaghetti with bacon bits on it?
A: Oh, then you're screwed. You may as well accept that you will die at age 31 from a combined heart attack/stroke/cancerous tumor.
Q: How can I make my mark in life?
A: Well, if you were a dog, I'd suggest that you pee on everything possible. But you're a person, so give it a try and see how it works out for you. If that doesn't do it though, you may want to try carving obscene messages on bathroom walls. But try to make them entertaining, there isn't much I find more disappointing than a boring obscene-bathroom-wall-message.
Q: Do you think that John Kerry is a good choice for President of the U.S.?
A: Yes and No.
Q: Could you elaborate?
A: Yes and No.
Q: What's that supposed to mean?
A: We will let you, the voting public, decide that.
Q: Why are we here on this earth?
A: Well, let's just say that you should never, ever, gamble.
Q: So THAT'S what they meant by "a cosmic roll of the dice."
A: No, actually, that has nothing to do with it.
Q: Why can't people just get along?
A: Because they are all stupid morons.
Q: Isn't that a very depressing way to look at things?
A: Only if you think about it too much, otherwise it's just mildly amusing. Ignorance, my friend, is bliss.
Q: Ah, then that explains my near-constant state of unbearable euphoria.
A: Couldn't have said it better myself.
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